UK-based author Stephen Barnard has been writing and self-publishing both fiction and non-fiction for a number of years. He predominantly writes horror / suspense, and has a number of short story collections and novels available. He has also written the science fantasy trilogy, 'Portentous' and the sports biography 'Calamity Cricket'. His latest release is the novella 'They Let Themselves In' - an inventive take on the home invasion sub-genre. When he's not writing he sometimes teaches, parents, reads and binge-watches horror films.
You can read more from Stephen right HERE.
LIMOSHA
by
Stephen Barnard
Dennis Whittle tried to delete the app after it went off in the executives’ meeting. He had reached for a piece of shortbread but soon dropped it when his supposedly muted phone lit up and declared in a female voice: forbidden food – 88 calories and 3.6 grams of sugar. Dennis apologised and tried to make it stop. In the end he had to leave the boardroom and stash his phone somewhere else.
Afterwards, he found he could not get the icon to leave his phone or the app to uninstall. A vague memory popped into his head from the terms and conditions: after 30 days of successful use the app will be permanent. He hadn’t given it much thought at the time; nothing was ever permanent these days. But he’d used it for around six weeks now – they had sent him the discreet and stylish gold member bangle as acknowledgement – and it seemed LIMOSHA were as good as their word.
And that was the other thing: since snapping the bangle onto his pudgy wrist, the clasp had jammed and he hadn’t been able to take it off. Not a problem as it was a water-proof alloy, but if he was serious about deleting LIMOSHA he didn’t want to keep its accessories…
He decided to forget about it and just go home.
When he sat down on the sofa, the app told him: you are 3,484 steps short of your daily target. We recommend some exercise or a brisk walk. It did this every day and he largely ignored it. But today it added: Your daily average step count over the last 34 months is 2,372. Get off the sofa, Dennis.
He screwed up his face at the level of personal detail, but then remembered he had paired it with his smart watch, which he’d owned for a lot longer. He also guessed it could read his posture and estimate the kind of seating he was on. His name was a given, but it felt weird hearing LIMOSHA use it.
Clever stuff, he thought, if rather annoying. He got up and did a couple of laps of the apartment. It would have to do: he was tired and hungry.
He tried to order takeout, but the food app wouldn’t load. On his third attempt it disappeared altogether. Did LIMOSHA just take that off my phone?
It wasn’t a problem though: he remembered the number of his favourite Chinese takeaway back from the days when he dialled it off the paper menu stashed in the kitchen drawer. He put in the digits. The call won’t go through, he thought scathingly, expecting LIMOSHA to intervene. However, the phone rang and someone picked up.
Before Dennis could respond, his own voice – coming out of the handset rather than his own mouth – answered for him. ‘Just called to let you know that your food gave me the shits and I’m never ordering from you again! Screw you and your Kung Pao!’
Dennis dropped the phone. He could hear tinny abuse from the other side and then the restaurant hung up.
Then, just as he was picking it back up, LIMOSHA spoke to him. ‘Dennis, in line with the T&Cs you agreed to, you now have enough violations to incur your first severe penalty. One thousand dollars will be removed from your account. Also…’
A horrendous electric shock juddered up his right arm. It twisted every nerve in his body and his bladder loosened a little, giving him a damp patch. He dropped to his knees, shaking, staring at the bangle, still warm against his tingling skin.
The phone, on the floor next to him, continued to speak in soothing feminine tones. ‘We hope that is the last penalty you incur, Dennis. You can earn back your funds by positively recommending LIMOSHA to three friends. However, should you speak of LIMOSHA negatively to anyone there shall be further physical and monetary penalties. You have uneaten kale in the fridge.’
Dennis staggered to the kitchen, but didn’t reach for the greens. Instead he pulled open a drawer and took out a knife. He put his wrist on the worktop and slid the blade between bangle and skin, hoping to force the catch.
He was shocked again, worse than before. His spasming body caused him to accidently slit his arm. He fell to the floor and started to bleed all over himself.
Because he’d left it in the other room, the volume on his phone increased. ‘Dennis, should you try that again, the next shock will target your heart, triggering cardiac arrest. At 281 pounds, no one will suspect anything but death through unhealthy life choices. You have just incurred another thousand-dollar penalty. Celery and hummus is a better option than potato chips. The expiry date on your hummus is tomorrow.’
**
Ed Langer was a sales rep so didn’t often stop by the office. Some months since his last visit, he hardly recognised Dennis Whittle as he crossed the floor towards the bathroom; Ed had to get clarification from Pete Cowley at the water cooler.
‘Oh yeah,’ said Pete. ‘Word is he’s lost over sixty pounds. In no time at all.’
Ed was intrigued. ‘How’s he done it?’
Pete shrugged. ‘Some app or other. He’s recommended it to a few in here, and also upstairs in Accounts. He speaks really highly of it. It’s the only thing he does get excited about these days.’
‘Yeah, he doesn’t look like the cheery type anymore. He was jolly when he was fat.’
‘I suppose, but where does jolly get you, eh?’
Ed could relate. He was not currently in a relationship and any dates he’d had recently weren’t finding a spark. He put it down to the spare tyre he was carrying; it wasn’t something he made obvious in his dating app profiles after all. But if this thing Whittle was doing actually worked…
‘You know the name of the app he’s using?’